Katelyn and Dallin love taking a bath in Grandma's tub. it has jets and with a small about of bubble bath they get bubbles up to their ears. how could you not love that?

our independent two-year-old

would anyone care for some cereal?

Dallin has started insisting on doing everything by "my selt" this is just one step on the long journey towards Independence.

Taking care of Mommy

the day after I got my first Chemo treatment Dallin felt he needed to take care of me, he went to his kitchen and made me all sorts of "yummy food" after each course he would put the food and the dishes in the sink and rinse off each dish. it was so sweet.

A love affair with underwear.

Dallin hit a milestone in his potty training process, don’t misunderstand this, he is still in the training part of potty training but he did something like 2 full days without accidents or something like that. So he got to pick out some new underpants, he choose Elmo surfing ones and Spiderman ones. He is so proud. He has been carrying them with him throughout the house. This morning he just laid on the floor in his bedroom stuffing his underpants under his head like a pillow singing softly to himself. When he heard a movie going in the other room he gathered them all up and hustled to the living room to watch a movie surrounded by his underpants. He was a bit disappointed when I told him that his underwear couldn’t come with us to church but he obediently left them on the table by the door and bid them a fond farewell. He was overjoyed when he arrived home and is beloved pants were here to greet him. He hasn’t let them out of his sight since.

week one... almost

So far things are going well. I feel pretty good most of the time. Every once in a while I get queasy and in general I am more tired. Friday I set a new personal record for number of planned and carried out naps in one day. I believe I had 5. Generally I plan them it's the carrying out that becomes a challenge. Unlike Cameron I have always been a devoted napper. At BYU my roommate Jessica and I were so dedicated we created a sign to hang on the outside of our dorm room door, as not to be disturbed…. Unfortunately we were our most witty selves as we tried to settle down for our afternoon snooze and the sign did little to divert visitors who could clearly tell we were not sleeping through our gales of laughter. Having children has only deepened my love for naps. And on Friday I got to take a nap with each of them and then two by myself. Katelyn is a cuddler, Dallin is a kicker and Grant falls somewhere in-between. Truthfully I didn’t actually sleep near Grant, he has yet to discover that sleeping in mommy’s and Daddy’s bed is an option. We think it’s best that way.

Louise has been amazing keeping everything running smoothly. She works harder then anyone I know, and doesn’t complain about any of it. We are heading to Naples tomorrow and will be there for a week, we’ll come back in time for my second chemo treatment on Tuesday.

Enough about me...

…Let’s talk about what else is going on around here.

Grant among other things has learned to put his binky in his mouth and can even turn it to face the right way when it’s up side down, we are so proud. He is also sporting a skippity crawl, he gets so excited to get places that his legs move faster then his hands and it’s not uncommon to find him doing a face plant in the midst of his excitement. He has started pulling himself up on furniture and is so pleased with himself when he dumps water or food all over his head in his highchair.

Although Dallin still adores Katelyn’s princess things, especially the high heels and sunglasses he has also discovered the joy of football. He hasn’t yet mastered the skill of standing back to throw the ball, rather he prefers to get as close as he can before he hurls the ball full force into my hands, which are generally blocking my face so I don’t end up with a bloody nose. We are working on having him at least announce that he is throwing the ball before he chucks the ball at us. Katelyn barely escaped a black eye when he decided to throw the ball to her unexpectedly.

Katelyn has decided to let her tummy dictate her daily decisions. She is constantly announcing that her “tummy would like to watch a movie” or play the computer or that her tummy doesn’t want to go to bed. So far Grandma has been the only one with enough heart to correct her and explain that tummies tell us when we are hungry and minds tell us when we want to do things. I’m pretty sure Katelyn thinks grandma is crazy.

Cameron has been busy with school and is now starting to apply for residencies. He has yet to decide what exactly he wants to be when he grows up but it looks like he has narrowed it down to Pathology or radiology. The only problem with those choices is no one is exactly sure what a pathologist or radiologist does. So that leaves me with a lot of explaining to do when I talk to people about it. If he choose something like family medicine no one would look at me blankly and say uh-huh when I tell them my husband is a family doctor. He has been able to get a lot of time off to accompany me to doctor’s appointments and wait for me during surgery. He is an amazing guy and I am so blessed to have him.

Thank you!

I am so completely grateful for all the amazing things that have been done on my behalf. so many people have been willing to help with the kids and doctor's appointments and house cleaning. I have gotten some great care packages in the mail and Jill just brought over a basket full of goodies and gift cards donated by businesses throughout the community. In addition many prayers have been offered for my well being. I am simply amazed by the thoughtfulness and generosity of everyone. Thank you! Thank you!

I have always been on the giving end of service and other things like that, it's a humbling experience to be on the receiving end. I'm not sure I can express my gratitude for all the sacrifices made for me. All I can say is Thank you.

My appointments went well this week. they put in a port on Wednesday and I was sore but the next day I hung out with some friends at the aquarium and then on Friday Dr Lee took out 4 lymph nodes under my arm and so far it looks like there is no cancer in my lymphatic system... hurray! Louise, Cameron's mom is here to help and she is like having an entire army at my disposal. which is a good thing because the surgery on Friday was a bit rough. it went well I just can't do much, I'm not suppose to lift anything heaver then a half gallon of milk.... and although all my kids are skinny they aren't that skinny. so she and Cameron have had to pick up the slack and they have been amazing. Cameron is getting ready to apply for residency and we are trying to come up with a great personal statement, it's suppose to be about one page and tell everything about him in an interesting and unique way. we spent our in between appointment time on Friday trying to come up with something, if you have any great stories let us know.

A new look

On Thursday I went to the aquarium with some friends. I told Jill that I was planning to get my hair cut before it all fell out. she said that she would go home and see if she had any coupons, she called me an hour later and said she had scheduled an appointment for me on Saturday at 11am at this place where another friend goes, and the best part was they would do it for free, she explained my story and they agreed to donate a haircut. isn't that fantastic.

so I went and Jacob cut my hair, he did a fabulous job. Aren't friends great!

The kids were supposed to lay down for a nap. and they were doing just fine until I came home with a new haircut, then they wanted to see me, so I laid down with them and Cameron set the timer and said that if they were still awake when the timer went off they could get out of bed. they were almost asleep when the timer went off, I didn't hear it because it was in the kitchen but Katelyn popped up and said "time a get up" Dallin popped up and Cameron came into the room saying he had cookie but only for people who were sleeping, so we all laid back down and starting snoring... he fell for it.

the 4th of July Parade

we spent the 4th of July down in Naples with Cameron Family. we went to the parade with his Cousins Jenny and Jeana and their families. I think the kids were amazed that people were throwing candy at them. Dallin tried his hardest to eat everything as he got it, Katelyn wanted to save her candy for later. we all had a great time.


Katelyn loves this red dress, she would wear it everyday if she could.

Cameron and Jen ready for some fun.

after the Parade we met at Uncle Bruce's house and had a BBQ and went swimming in the neighbor's pool. the kids had a great time tackling Cameron and Blake.

Grant is taking a snooze on Grandpa Bill's Lap.

Cameron swam back and forth across the pool caring up to 5 kids at a time. Dallin wanted a ride across the pool then he would get out and walk back to the steps get in and ask Cameron to take him across the pool again. he did this over and over and over again. Cameron had fun with the kids, what an amazing guy.

More Changes.

My oncologist has ordered more testing for me. I will do another MRI to check out an abnormality on my liver and Ovaries, The doctor doesn’t seem to be concerned, she said 7 out of 10 people have something on their liver and ovaries but she would like to find out what it is, she also is having me do a MUGA… I think… which is a scan of my heart to make sure it can handle the Chemo treatments. I’m also scheduled for some ultra sounds, but I honestly can’t remember what they are for, I think it’s a double check on those abnormalities. Originally I was scheduled to do these tests on Thursday, and do the surgeries on Friday, then I got a call this afternoon saying they weren’t able to schedule the port surgery on the same day as the lymph node surgery so the Port surgery is Wednesday, and the lymph node surgery is still Friday. So I would have had to go to The Moffitt Cancer Center almost every day this week. After many phone calls and some miracle working by the schedulers we worked it out so that I will have some of the Thursday testing done on Wednesday and some done on Friday. So now I don’t have to go in on Thursday, I think I’ll sleep on that day.

Just Kidding...

so plans have changed. The good news is I am not having my left breast removed on Friday.
The bad news is I will still have surgery it’s just minor surgery so that I can get a “port” placed just below my right collarbone, for easy vessel access and I will start Chemo in a week. The doctors are hoping to shrink the tumor with Chemo and then have better chances of getting clear margins without cutting into muscle when I do have surgery sometime in October.

I have been way more anxious about Chemo then surgery so I’m a bit frazzled by the idea of going through it that much sooner. Plus I had a tentative plan for how I was going to manage this, and now that’s out the window.

So here’s the run down. They will start with Adriamycin and Rubex on July 15th and I will get 4 treatments one every 2 weeks. Usually they wait three weeks, but they don’t want to mess around and I’m young and energetic so they aren’t giving me as much recovery time in between treatments. I will feel very tired between days 3 and 5 after treatment, on Days 5-10 I will be most susceptible to infection and I might feel ok on days 11-14. I will lose my hair during the second treatment. So I have about 3 more weeks of shaving my legs and applying mascara. My hair will come back after the treatments are over. After that I will get Cytoxan once a week for 4 weeks.
So if I don’t get sick and have to be hospitalized or delay treatments because my blood counts are too low I should be done in 12 weeks. After that I will have surgery and then Radiation. In addition to Chemo I will be on a steroid that will help my body accept the Chemo, unfortunately it will also make my body ravishingly hungry. The nurse expects that I’ll gain 10 pounds.

During the weeks of Chemo I have been forbidden to do dishes, clean bathrooms, change diapers or eat fruits and vegetables that can’t be peeled. I’m also not allowed to go anywhere public. Except for three days before my next treatment… I think. This should be interesting considering technically I have 2 in diapers, although Dallin likes to take care of his himself…if only that weren’t messier. Right now cleaning the kitchen and bathrooms is almost a daily occurrence. The nurse didn’t seem too concerned with me having people over or going over to other peoples houses, as long as everyone involved is healthy.

Most days I’m able to stay pretty positive about this whole ordeal but I do have my low days. Yesterday was one of those days. Cameron had an evening meeting so I made the kids peanut butter sandwiches for dinner and then spent the evening typing on the computer and eating a candy bar. Maybe I won’t have to go through Chemo to gain 10 pounds.

The Bone Scan

Once again as I found myself sitting up in the plastic covered chair with a rubber band wrapped around my upper arm waiting for the nurse to start the mad search for my veins, feelings of dread washed over me as I realized this is only the beginning and I don’t want to do this anymore.

The nurse finished getting her equipment lined up, approached me with a needle and informed me in a nonchalant way that she would be injecting me with radio active dye that will run through my system and in three hours I was to report back to get the bone scan… I’m not sure how a person’s suppose to feel receiving that sort of information but it was a little disconcerting for me. I had fleeting thoughts of finding a dark room to see if I would glow.

The nurse was surprised as she looked at the nook of my elbow and noticed the massive bruise left there by my last encounter with a needle and exclaimed “I’m sorry. I will do my best not to do that to you.” I told her I would appreciate that.

True to her word I walked away without farther injury. I spent the time between appointments visiting with friends at a park. When I returned for the bone scan the nurse had me lay on a bed that she rolled under a big machine she had a computer type monitor thing that she adjusted so I could watch as it did the scan. It was cool, I could actually see the flow of the dye going through my body as the machine worked taking images of specific areas of my body. The whole process was actually quite relaxing,

I started reflecting on everything that has happened the last few days. The worse news came on Monday when we met with a fertility doctor to discuss our options for having children after Chemo. I know it sounds crazy to some people that we would even be considering having more children but I love being a mom and I would love to have more children. We found out that there is a thirty percent chance I won’t be able to have children after Chemo. And even if we are able to have children we will have to wait 5 years. Which will leave a 6 year gap in our family. Which I guess is fine, I just hadn’t planned it that way back when I use to think I had so much control of my life.

The scan went well, I made it hope safe and the kids are still hard to put to bed.

Testing Testing

I have finally finished the last of the pre-operation, post cancer discovery tests... I'm not at all under the delusion that I am by any means finished testing. but I can take a breather for a few days. hopefully I won't be pricked again until my Operation on Friday... I have a beautiful 3 inch bruise resembling nothing in particular on my right arm from last week.

Princess tutu

Katelyn LOVES every princess thing you can think of and right now that includes beautiful princess ballerina stuff. so I decided to make her a cute pink tutu. it was actually easier then I thought it would be and she seems to like it.

Fountains

The kids were out of sorts and a bit crabby. Generally when this happens it means it's time to get out of the house. It's sometimes rough getting out the door, but generally by the time we are in the car everyone is in much better spirits and we have a great time.

So Cameron's mom Louise and I decided to take the kids to the fountains.

unfortunately this time was especially bad. not only did they cry going down stairs and as I was buckling them into their seats but they also cried all the way home and back up the stair and into their rooms where they stayed until they awoke from their much needed naps.

Fortunately they did manage to play and be happy for about half a hour at the park. so I was able to get some pictures.

the short version.

I met with the doctors yesterday. they did a lymph node biopsy, it came back clear. We also did a CT scan, we will get the results next week. the testing done so far looks good.
The plan of attack is: Mastectomy (removing the entire breast) in 2 weeks, 3 ish weeks of recovery time, Chemotherapy for 12ish weeks after that, radiation after that. Over all this will be a 6 to 8 month process from start to finish and I will lose my hair.
a bone scan is scheduled for next week.

The long version

The day started off cuddling Grant who woke up at 5am to be cuddled and loved and of course fed. He has decided he does his best eating in the middle of the night where he downs an entire bottle at midnight, 3am and then again at 5am. This I’m hoping is just an adjustment to being back home and in his own crib again. He spent a week at Cameron’s parents house while I went to girls camp last week.
By the time I put Grant back to bed, Cameron’s alarm was going off so I decided to jump in the shower and wash away some of the worries my thoughts had stumbled upon during the night.

I had two appointments. The first was a needle biopsy of my lymph nodes at 8am and then next was an appointment with Dr. Lee at 1pm to discuss my situation.

Cameron had to be at the VA Hospital across the street from the Moffitt Cancer Center at 7am to participate in an autopsy. He is in the middle of his pathology rotation. So I dropped him off and headed over to Moffitt to wait. While I was waiting Cameron called to tell me he was coming over to be with me. He would be there in 10 minutes, 9 minutes later the nurse called me and even though I explained that my husband was coming and would be there any minute she nodded politely and assure me that he would be waiting for me when I was finished. He called seconds before we got to the room and I tried to explain where I was as I was being escorted into the room, somehow he found me and I guess because he was wearing scrubs and a white coat they let him stay, which was a huge relief for me.

The radiology resident who was to perform the biopsy didn’t impress me with his confidence, he fumbled around and kept asking the technician for her opinion, he didn’t sound like he knew what he was doing at all. Having Cameron in medical school I appreciate the importance of education but I kept thinking, “couldn’t they get someone who knew what they are doing in here?” soon after I thought that, they started paging the doctor who is over the residents. She came in, made adjustments in the biopsy location and guided the resident through the procedure. And all went well.

We decided to eat breakfast and walk around Target between appointments. That was fun. I love spending time with Cameron no matter what we happen to be doing. We were over an hour early for our appointment but I wanted to check in anyway and just sit and read together or do one of the puzzles they have in the waiting rooms. Dr Lee was ready to see us so we didn’t end up waiting.

We had a great talk. Nothing she said surprised us. As we talked I realized that I was already expecting the very worse so any new was actually good news. She told us that the Cancer hasn’t spread to the right breast. We talked about fertility options after treatment and so on. We laid out a plan together. In about 2 weeks I will receive a Mastectomy, which is complete removal of the left breast. I will have about 3 or 4 weeks of recovery and then I will start Chemotherapy for about 12 weeks and then radiation after that. The whole process should take between 6 and 8 months; which is what I expected.

After meeting with Dr Lee we met with the oncologist Dr Ismail-Kahn. She talked to us about Chemotherapy but to be honest I had no idea what she was talking about, she was really excited about drawing diagrams and flowcharts. I think it was a pretty good review for Cameron’s up coming board exam but it was a bit over my head. The best part of this meeting was when Dr Lee popped her head in and informed us that according to the first report from the pathologist my lymph nodes were clear of cancer.

After that meeting the scheduler found out I hadn’t eaten since breakfast so we were rushed up stair so they could do a CT scan on me. That involves not eating and drinking some contrast something or other. I had to drink 4 ten ounce cups; one every 30 minutes. The first one reminded me a lot of the stuff I drank when I was pregnant and they wanted to test to see if I had gestational diabetes. Not great, but not as bad as everyone makes it out to be. Each one after that got significantly worse until I got to the last one which I couldn’t finish because I was positive that I wouldn’t keep it down. Between the third and forth cup a nurse pulled me back to get an IV in my arm. She tied the rubber band around my forearm and then stuck a needle in, she couldn’t find the vain but was determined, she wiggle it around much, much longer then necessary before she gave up and found another vain in the center of my elbow bend, by this point the tips of my fingers were numb from the rubber band and I was in a lot of pain. I hate doing blood work because no one can find my veins; I’ve been stuck up to 4 times in one sitting because I have elusive veins. I usually tell the person before they start but Cameron says it makes them nervous and that probably doesn’t help. After she put my IV in I must admit I was pretty grumpy, I think it was a combination of things; I was starving, freezing, tired, I couldn’t move my arm because it hurt too much and I still had one more cup of that nasty stuff to drink. Cameron was a good sport about it and tried fruitlessly to make me feel better. Thankfully the actual CT scan was a piece of cake. They had me lay on this bed looking thing, wheeled me in and out, had me hold my breath a few times and made me feel like I wet my pants. And then it was over and we were on our way home at last. We got home around 6pm and Cameron’s mom Louise left soon after to drive down to Naples and spend the weekend with her husband and give us some time alone with our family.

Over all it was a good but exhausting day. It feels great to have gotten so much done in one day. It has been the longest week of my life, waiting and wondering and hoping and waiting. It is so hard for me to just sit and wait for things to happen especially because I feel like everyday I wait just makes this harder to beat. It seems that things are rolling along now though. It’s nice to have a plan and have an end in sight. I’m not exited about losing a breast and all my hair but it’s better then the alternative. And who know maybe I’ll look so cute bald that I’ll decide not to let my hair grow back… but it’s not likely.

Crawling

Grant wants so badly to crawl. and he is so close. He has figured out thatif he rocks back and forth he gradually moves forward. Generally at this stage I would be doing everything I could to help him along, unfortinately Katelyn has discovered the joys of Polly Pockets this year and that is just not a good combination. Today when we told Katelyn that she couldn't play with her Pollys in the living room, she replied "Daddy, you Please put Grant away please?" Hopefully she doesn't decide to take matters into her own hands...

The full story

I've realized that I'm not explaining things well so I'll start at the beginning.
in February I thought I had a clogged milk duct, due to nursing, then it seemed more like mastitis because I was sick with high fevers. so I took antibiotics for 2 weeks and the infection and fevers went away but the walnut sized mass caused by the infection was still there creating what we thought was a sissiest.
after various ultra sounds and weeks of waiting Doctor Lee at the Moffitt Cancer Center decided it was time to do a biopsy and find out what this gunk was that was now the size of a small orange. During the Biopsy she decided to take the majority of the lump out to alleviate some of the discomfort it was causing. she left some in because she didn't want to cause a huge deficit in that area. she sent the tissue that was removed to the Pathology department so they could determine what it was and they reported that it was invasive, ductal carcinoma. or in other words breast cancer.
The Doctor seems to think that perhaps the tumor caused the blockage in the milk duct which resulted in an infection... it's hard to say.
so today I had an MRI and Mammogram done. The results should be analyzed within the next couple of days. I will go in on Friday and do an ultra sound on the lymph nodes to see if they look abdominal, if there are any that do then they will do a needle biopsy of those lymph nodes to see if the cancer has spread. also on Friday I will meet with Dr Lee and I'm sure we will discuss the plan of attack.
it has been an emotional roller coaster for me and I'm sure for Cameron. We are doing our best to stay positive about this whole thing but at times the realities of what lays ahead for us can be a bit daunting. Right now I feel Great. Really I do, I am so blessed to have a wonderful family, a strong body and fabulous friends and extended family. I know the Lord is watching over me and my sweet family and I know that with Him I am strong enough to conquer ANYTHING. We are going to take this one step at a time and ask for the Lords blessing along the way.